Yesterday was a day of realizing how my life has been and always will be different from most people I know.
I had plans to meet up with my best friend for lunch and shopping. We used to spend several days a week together, but since she had her baby 3 months ago, we haven't been able to spend much time together.
He is an adorable baby and I love him myself. I love to hold him and he is amazing to watch. I'm very proud of what a good mom she has turned out to be.
She and I are extreme dog people and she has been feeling a lot of guilt because since the baby was born, her dog has definitely taken a back burner even though we both used to say that would never happen. I ended up bringing her dog home with me for a couple of days so I could fill up her love bucket.
But the theme of the day was definitely the love between child and parent. First there was her love for him, how much she missed him while we were out, all the cute things he is starting to do, etc.
Then there was the conversation with Him about how he wasn't going to be able to see me because his daughter wasn't feeling well. He talked about how he would wait on his baby hand and foot if she wasn't feeling well and I broke down in tears. It's the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.
As I was going to bed last night, I tried to examine the reaction I had to try to determine why I had such a strong one and it smacked me in the face. I've never had that. Not ever. I was a daddies girl when I was little. And my dad left us when I was 8. He was a deadbeat dad, so there wasn't even an attempt at him trying to maintain a relationship.
My mother and I never got along. I was a shy, quiet, painfully self conscious girl and my mother was not a very tender person. She preferred my sister and the preference was so obvious that it ruined the relationship between us. As a result, I spent a lot of my time as a child wondering why I was so unlovable. I guess I still have a tendency to do that, though it isn't as debilitating.
What's the point to all this? My reaction to my friend and to Him were normal considering it is something I have never experienced in my life. It is a mystery to me and a dream to be loved so intensely. It is also likely something I will never experience since I can't have children and can't seem to find love.
