True Love

The best thing in life..Everlasting friendship Amigos para sempres @ Yahoo! Video

Memory Fading

I was reading back through my posts over the last four years and I must be getting old. There are a lot of people that I talk about and I can't remember who they even were. I seem to be very excited to have met them at the time. I am trying to resist the tempation to go back and delete the posts that deal with things I don't remember or things that embarrass me. But the reason I have this blog is to record moments in my life, good and bad.

I wandered back onto the Motley Fool yesterday. I thought maybe I could use the website for business advice. Of course the usual cast of characters are still around. I don't think I will stick around long enough for them to notice me. I'm sure they are all still cold and cruel people and I really don't want to go through that again. I did send waffle a note mainly because I never really believed he wanted to be cruel. He may ignore it. He may bring it up to everyone else and throw me under the bus. Doesn't much matter to me. I'm the same person and I'm sure I would still be called crazy. I am who I am and over all, I'm happy with who that is.

Thanksgiving was lovely and quiet. I am spending the holidays at home this year to save money. There are a ton of great parties I'm invited to and I think I will get a small tree.

Today I have my riding lesson, which I really love. I can see myself getting better at it. Later I will go for a hike with Bailey.

It's a beautiful day.

Confession

I'm in love with Justin Timberlake. I think he is talented, funny, handsome and he can dance. I'm 38 years old and I am in love with a former Mousketeer.

So, it's official. I'm a total freak.

Halloween Pictures

I love puppies...

Lookin' Up!!!

So I haven't been posting much lately. Things have been stressful over the last couple of months. I have been mostly out of work for the last several months and I was beginning to think I was going to have to give up my company and get a regular full time position.

But today I was notified that I have a new contract in place as of Monday and I will be getting a clearance out of the deal! I am very excited to be looking at new challenges, meeting new people and making some money!

I think things are going to be fairly rosy around here come January.

In the meantime, please enjoy the cutest boy on the planet.

Oh! I forgot to mention that I went to Kooza last Friday and had a blast! And I have a date tomorrow with a very handsome man and I am really hoping we are going to hit it off.

Kristin and Hootie

New pictures from our Hootie concert and our good bye dinner with Kristin. I will miss her very much.

To Zoloft or Not to Zoloft... That is the Question.

I ran out of Zoloft on Saturday. Due to a mix up at the pharmacy, I have yet to pick up the refill. So I am on the 4th day without it and so far I am feeling fine. I know it takes a while to get out of your system, but I'm wondering if I should try to get off it. I have been under a lot of stress lately, so now may not be the best time, but I think I want to give it a shot. It may make me a little more emotional and if I have an anxiety attack, I will need to get back on it. But it has been seven years since I was diagnosed and I only seem to have panic attacks when I am already feeling sick over something.

Of course my adopted dad is opposed to the idea. He says if my happiness can be almost guaranteed by taking a pill once a day, then why stop? He is very right and if this doesn't work I will have no problems going back on it.

Guess I have to wait and see what happens.

Unconditional Love?

Yesterday was a day of realizing how my life has been and always will be different from most people I know.

I had plans to meet up with my best friend for lunch and shopping. We used to spend several days a week together, but since she had her baby 3 months ago, we haven't been able to spend much time together.

He is an adorable baby and I love him myself. I love to hold him and he is amazing to watch. I'm very proud of what a good mom she has turned out to be.

She and I are extreme dog people and she has been feeling a lot of guilt because since the baby was born, her dog has definitely taken a back burner even though we both used to say that would never happen. I ended up bringing her dog home with me for a couple of days so I could fill up her love bucket.

But the theme of the day was definitely the love between child and parent. First there was her love for him, how much she missed him while we were out, all the cute things he is starting to do, etc.

Then there was the conversation with Him about how he wasn't going to be able to see me because his daughter wasn't feeling well. He talked about how he would wait on his baby hand and foot if she wasn't feeling well and I broke down in tears. It's the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.

As I was going to bed last night, I tried to examine the reaction I had to try to determine why I had such a strong one and it smacked me in the face. I've never had that. Not ever. I was a daddies girl when I was little. And my dad left us when I was 8. He was a deadbeat dad, so there wasn't even an attempt at him trying to maintain a relationship.

My mother and I never got along. I was a shy, quiet, painfully self conscious girl and my mother was not a very tender person. She preferred my sister and the preference was so obvious that it ruined the relationship between us. As a result, I spent a lot of my time as a child wondering why I was so unlovable. I guess I still have a tendency to do that, though it isn't as debilitating.

What's the point to all this? My reaction to my friend and to Him were normal considering it is something I have never experienced in my life. It is a mystery to me and a dream to be loved so intensely. It is also likely something I will never experience since I can't have children and can't seem to find love.

Carp E Diem

So today I decided to take Bailey for a walk around Ft Belvoir. About 100 yards down the trail we came across a couple of very large dead carp. It rained pretty hard on Saturday and the flooding had washed them up on the path. We were about to walk away when we heard something thrashing in the water. I looked over into a large puddle off the path and saw about 10 large carp that were caught in the shallows! Two of them were already on deaths door and the flies were starting to bite them. Then I noticed a deeper pool where another 5 or more were stranded.

I started walking away, but I just couldn't do it. I know it is silly. They are only fish. But I felt like I would be killing them myself if I just left them there. So what did I do? I waded into the water and started trying to grab the suckers so I could toss them into the lake. NOT AN EASY JOB!!!! First of all, the lightest one was heavier then Bailey and one of them had to be 40lbs!!! And there wasn't an easy way for me to grab them. I could only hold them for a second until they wiggled out of my hands. So I would have to catch them and give them a series of short tosses until they were close enough that I could toss them in. Once I got all the ones out of the shallows I had to start to catch the ones in the deeper pool. Have you ever heard of the term "herding cats"? Well, trust me, cats are easy. It took me another hour to get the 5 in the pool chased into shallows (one by one), then do more leap frogging to get close to the lake, then tossing them in.

Of course I did all that knee deep in water and mud while bailey was barking up a storm at the fish and wondering why we were chasing fish instead of walking. By the time I was done, I got all of them out, except for maybe one that I just couldn't get out of the deep water. But I was so exhausted and was so mosquito bitten that I just couldn't do anymore.

I'm sure anyone running into me on the path would have thought I was nuts or that an alligator had tried to drag me into the water.

At one point in time, I did seriously consider that maybe I should have kept one or two for my dinner, but I just couldn't reconcile the fact that I was taking all this time to save them, only to eat some of them. Besides, I don't even know if you can eat them.

At any rate, I hope those fish are swimming around happily and it makes me wonder if my evenings will always be spent saving stranded fish after rain now. Maybe I should invest in a net and a wetsuit.

Sausage Please!

What do you see in this picture?

Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. A woman over forty will tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow
pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize And finally...

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage....

Memorable Memorial

Presenting Killian...

Kelly made one cute baby! It's been fascinating to see him and I even got to hold him for a while. It's all very touching and cool and I feel so excited to be able to watch him grow up! I took Mila for a few days for Kelly since she had a ton of stuff going on.

It is the end of memorial day weekend and we were blessed with fabulous weather. I started it out with a poker tournament on Friday, then on Saturday I took the girls out to Pohick where we met up with Jenna, Travis, Sadie, Bonnie and Oscar for a camp side dinner. Bonnie made a fabulous fondue and we had hot dogs and smores. On Sunday, I took the girls out for a hike in Fort Belvoir, then went to Kelly's to drop off Mila. We had a mid-day nap followed by another evening hike and wine on the deck. On Monday, my new friend Dave picked me up on his motorcycle and we went into DC to watch the memorial day parade. After we stopped in old town for irish beer and burgers, then he and I picked up Bailey and took her out for another walk.

Now it's closing in on the end of the holiday and I really had a good time this weekend and wish it would continue.

I worked all month, so I should be good for money for a while. Hopefully, more work will be in the pipeline, but frankly, if I have a week break, that would be fine with me.

I got myself the WiiFit and I've been using it every day, plus walking Bailey. Bonnie and I are working out together a couple of times a week. I'm still smoking and my weight hasn't gone down yet, but hope springs eternal.

Life is good... well except for the lack of sex. But really, I don't miss it all that much.

Work is Good!

Yes! After weeks of sitting around the house worrying, I managed to get a subcontract with a company doing work with another FAA LOB. It isn't paying as much as my prime contract was, but it means money will once again be flowing and I won't have to worry for a while. I can also utilize my employee, so we are both covered.

I think I will start up with my english riding lessons again to celebrate!

Oh... and I'm getting fatter by the day and I have still been smoking. Trying once again to start my healthy life.

New Beginnings

At the beginning of February, my business partner decided to leave the company. He took his work with him and so now I am trying to get things back together without him. Frankly, I'm kind of glad he is gone. He was a bit of a pain to work with and not really trust worthy. I always took on more of the risk and responsibility anyway. Now I can also take more of the profit.

I hope to be back to working full time on a new contract by the end of next week. Plus a friend and I might start another small business as well.

Life goes on and so do I.

The Little Windy That Could

So last Monday my business partner informed me that he no longer wanted to build the company. Apparently he had goals for himself and he hasn't met any of them in the last four years. I think it is an excuse because he certainly wasn't working hard to meet those goals himself.

At any rate, he is going to work for a competitor and I thought for a few days that he was going to be taking my contract with him. But I still have it. So now more then ever I'm going to work hard on giving my client an excellent product and try to show him that I was the better half of the company.

In the meantime, I am trying to find more work for myself on the side. I have a few months of income coming in, so I don't have to stress right now. But I want to show myself that I can do this on my own.

I think I can, I think I can...

The name is Power... Will Power

Well, I made it six days without a cigarette until I saw a good friend last night. I guess two in a week isn't so bad, but I really need to try to fight that urge to smoke just because someone around me is. I also wish she wouldn't yell at me just because I bring up my attempts at being good. I find myself sometimes feeling like I can't talk to her. But I love her and if she wants to yell at me, what can I do.

I put on another half a pound this week. I'm sure part of it was because it was my birthday and I've been eating out a lot this week.

I swear to god if I could find a place to buy the tapeworm pills in this old ad, I would do it in a second. That way I could just focus on not smoking and exercising and not worry about my diet. Instead I have to work on all three issues at once.

Fun, Fun, Fun!!!!

Happy Birthday to Me... 38

So I turned 38 yesterday and had a party. Everyone I know came and it was great! We had Aroma Indian Food, drank wine and prosecco, and everyone played with the Wii.

My house and clean and freshly painted, and I get to lounge around today... Bonus!

I hope that I had my last cigarette last night and this morning I will be starting with my new elliptical machine three times a week.

It's never too late to start over.

Touching

Every once in a while, I read something on PostSecret that seems to be written by my own soul. I don't think people who aren't dog lovers can ever fully appreciate the connection we have with our furry children.

Life and Death

So today one of my favorite actors was found dead. Heath Ledger was only 28 years old and had a 2 year old daughter.

The older I get the more I have to accept the fact of mortality. Heath was 10 years younger then me. My mother died when she was only 5 years older then I am now.

It's a reminder that every day should be seen as a gift. Planning for the future is necessary, but enjoying the present is equally important.

Just a reminder to live in the moment and be happy!

Jerry Springer LIVE!

So today Kelly and I were walking the dogs at one of our favorite dog parks and one of the dogs at the park was being a bit aggressive with a lab puppy. The owner wasn't doing anything about it even though folks were getting upset and saying she needs to control her dog and leave the park.

Well, one moment it seems like a normal day and the next minute all hell breaks loose. The dog attacked the puppy again and Kelly tried to get the dog to stop by whacking it with her leash. The next thing you know, the dog's owner is in Kelly's face telling her not to hit her dog and looking like she was about to get physical. Of course, Kelly is 5 months pregnant, so I went over and tried to get her to back off and the lab owners puppy came over to tell her to get her dog out of the park, as the dog was once again going after her lab puppy.

The next thing you know fists are flying and the two women are on the ground beating the crap out of each other. I tried to get them apart, but when I realized I couldn't do it, I just focused on getting the dog so Kelly could leash it and lead it away. Finally, a guy who saw the whole thing came over and we were able to get them apart and the woman got her dog from Kelly and left the park. Turns out the woman with the lab was a police officer and she probably has a fat lip tonight since it was bleeding.

It was one of the weirdest experiences I've had since I was a teen. I'm really glad Kelly didn't get hurt. I really don't understand people sometimes. All the girl had to do was show a hint of concern that her dog was being aggressive and maybe walk her dog in another area of the park until it settled down.

The lab owner might have overreacted a tiny bit, but the woman clearly was a bit off. She just watched her dog attack the lab 3 or 4 times and did nothing at all. And turning on Kelly was completely out of line. As usual, the dog itself wasn't really to blame, but the owner sucked. The dog was a pitt bull and was just trying to dominate a rather large puppy. It's normal dog behavior, but not appropriate at a dog park and the dog needed to be controlled and reprimanded. But this isn't unusual behavior and if the owner was normal it would have been a non issue.

Needless to say, it made for an interesting day.

Great Starts

This is the result of all my hard work over the holiday. My garage was a mess. I couldn't find anything or get to anything. The delivery men said there was no way I could get it all together myself. I'm happy to say they were wrong. Yes, it almost killed me... but I did it!

It's the first step in my New Years Resolution which is to take control of my life this year. That includes being more organized, being more active, and controlling my eating.

It also means being in charge of my own happiness. I've decided I really don't want to date. I'm perfectly happy as I am. I honestly can't even imagine having someone else around all the time. I like making what I want to eat, sleeping when I want to sleep, not cleaning up after someone else (not that I clean up after myself much), burping, farting, or whatever.

I'm happy as I am. I proved to myself that I can travel by myself this past year, if I need sex, there are friends who are willing to help me out with that. When I'm an old woman, I will move into a retirement community and be somewhere safe, so I don't have to worry about that.

It's 2008 and this year is all about me being in charge of me.