I am such an idiot. Two weeks ago I gave up my anxiety medication. I was feeling strong and happy and stable and I thought there was a chance I could get by without it. I have had a couple of small anxiety attacks, but I thought I was doing ok.
Well, last night I went out with Jeff. He is a great guy and it was a nice date up until I was saying good night. He walked me to my car and then I drove him to him. Up until that point he hadn't been fresh with me and hadn't even tried to hold my hand. So we get to his car and he turns to me and asks if I am coming home with him. At first I thought he was joking so I just laughed and said I didn't go home with guys on the first date. His response was "Really? Come on!". He then kissed me (and it was a great kiss) and asked me again. I told him that I don't do that and wasn't that kind of girl. He asked me again. And this is where it gets embarrassing for me. I started crying. I guess it suddenly dawned on me that he just wanted to sleep with me and didn't care if he liked me or not or if I liked him or not. I was just a lay and I suddenly felt so cheap. I just started crying.
Well, needless to say he was a bit shocked and surprised and felt bad. I tried to explain why I was upset, but it just made me cry more so in the end I just said goodnight.
So I probably won't hear from him again because I'm sure he thinks I'm nuts. I don't know if I am more emotional right now because of the meds or what, but I think I need to go back on the meds. If I wanted to be single and didn't care about the occasional melt down, I would try to stay off it, but I HATE feeling like I am out of control and crying in the car last night, I felt like I was.
I feel so embarrassed and it was such a horrible way to end an otherwise good date. I'm sorry, Jeff.
