That's how long I have before I leave on my trip and I am still sick. I spent yesterday getting an emergency ultrasound and I am waiting now for the doctor to call and let me know if I will need surgery or a different prescription. It's making me very nervous. I HAVE to be healthy for this trip or hiking Mt Vesuvius is going to be more pain then pleasure.
I'm also very frustrated with the doctor's office. They are an hour away and I have had to make 6 trips out there to either see the doctor or leave a test sample. The last two times I went out there I really would have just spoken to the doctor over the phone, but they won't ever let me do that and the last time I was there the doctor came in and told me "there isn't anything I can do for you until we have the ultrasound and I don't know why you keep coming in". Well duh!!! I'm coming in because when I call they tell me I have too and I keep calling because I am in pain! I have done every single thing they have told me to do including changing medication three times because they misdiagnosed me the first two times. So I ended up feeling like a hypochondriac and frankly she hurt my feelings with her lack of concern. At the very least I was able to get her to schedule me for an earlier ultrasound since they weren't going to be able to see me until 10/11, which was going to be a terribly long wait.
I just want to know if I am going to need surgery before my trip and if so, if I can have it next week so I will be able to recover for a couple of weeks before I go. Is that so much to ask???
Friday, September 29, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Realization
I am the most beautiful me in the universe. There is no me more beautiful. I am a living miracle and each day is a wonder to behold.
Cheesy, I know. But sometimes when you wake up with a thought you have to record it.
Cheesy, I know. But sometimes when you wake up with a thought you have to record it.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Men = Bad?
So, I have been very sick just because I met someone I liked and indulged myself over a weekend. Everything was safe and consentual and yet I am on three different medications and have been in pain for over a week. I hope that I am well for my trip. I am very worried about that right now. More then anything else I just want to go back to being able to walk my dog, ride horses, run and work out, like I did just a couple of weeks ago.
So what is the lesson here? Maybe this means that even in the healthiest of situations I am just not my best in relationships. Maybe the idea of being single as a lifestyle choice, is actually the healthier choice for me?
I like sex and I generally feel like I would like to be in a relationship with someone, but every time I move in that direction something smacks me back down. I might mean it's time for me to just learn to be very happy on a daily basis with myself.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Can I Be Normal?
It's amazing how when you are sick you look back at your healthy days and long for something that you took for granted.
I'm sick. Very sick. It could mean surgery if it doesn't get better. So I am having one last glass of wine tonight because tomorrow I go on two different medications that I can't take with alcohol and will have to stay on them for two weeks.
I feel like my life could take a major change in the next couple of weeks as I get over this and try to get back to normal.
Right now I am in pain and food tastes like straw and I don't feel well at all.
I'm sick. Very sick. It could mean surgery if it doesn't get better. So I am having one last glass of wine tonight because tomorrow I go on two different medications that I can't take with alcohol and will have to stay on them for two weeks.
I feel like my life could take a major change in the next couple of weeks as I get over this and try to get back to normal.
Right now I am in pain and food tastes like straw and I don't feel well at all.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Your Type is
ISFJ
Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences %
56 25 12 33
ISFJ type description by D.Keirsey
ISFJ type description by J. Butt and M.M. Heiss
Qualitative analysis of your type formula
You are:
moderately expressed introvert
moderately expressed sensing personality
slightly expressed feeling personality
moderately expressed judging personality
The primary desire of the Protector Guardian is to be of service to others, but here "service" means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life (the Provider's concern), as guarding others against life's pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security. There is a large proportion of Protectors in the population, perhaps as much as ten percent. And a good thing, because they are steadfast in their protecting, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can insure the safekeeping of those in their family, their circle of friends, or their place of business.
Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They go about their task of caretaking modestly, unassumingly, and because of this their efforts are not sometimes fully appreciated. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Providers, except with close friends and relatives. With these they can chat tirelessly about the ups and downs in their lives, moving (like all the Guardians) from topic to topic as they talk over their everyday concerns. However, their shyness with strangers is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth these Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.
Their quietness ought really to be seen as an expression, not of coldness, but of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. Like all the Guardians, Protectors have a highly developed puritan work ethic, which tells them that work is good, and that play must be earned-if indulged in at all. The least hedonic of all types, Protectors are willing to work long, long hours doing all the thankless jobs the other types seem content to ignore. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for Protectors. When they undertake a task, they will complete it if at all humanly possible; and they know the value of material resources and abhor the squandering or misuse of these resources. Protectors are quite content to work alone; indeed, they may experience some discomfort when placed in positions of authority, and may try to do everything themselves rather than insist that others do their jobs.
With their extraordinary commitment to security, and with their unusual talent for executing routines, Protectors do well in many careers that have to do with conservation: curators, private secretaries, librarians, middle-managers, police officers, and especially general medical practitioners. To be sure, the hospital is a natural haven for them; it is home to the family doctor, preserver of life and limb, and to the registered nurse, or licensed practical nurse, truly the angels of mercy. The insurance industry is also a good fit for Protectors. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are important actions to Protectors, who as insurance agents want to see their clients in good hands, sheltered and protected.
President George HW Bush and Mother Teresa are examples of Protector Guardian style.
ISFJ
Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences %
56 25 12 33
ISFJ type description by D.Keirsey
ISFJ type description by J. Butt and M.M. Heiss
Qualitative analysis of your type formula
You are:
moderately expressed introvert
moderately expressed sensing personality
slightly expressed feeling personality
moderately expressed judging personality
The primary desire of the Protector Guardian is to be of service to others, but here "service" means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life (the Provider's concern), as guarding others against life's pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security. There is a large proportion of Protectors in the population, perhaps as much as ten percent. And a good thing, because they are steadfast in their protecting, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can insure the safekeeping of those in their family, their circle of friends, or their place of business.
Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They go about their task of caretaking modestly, unassumingly, and because of this their efforts are not sometimes fully appreciated. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Providers, except with close friends and relatives. With these they can chat tirelessly about the ups and downs in their lives, moving (like all the Guardians) from topic to topic as they talk over their everyday concerns. However, their shyness with strangers is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth these Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.
Their quietness ought really to be seen as an expression, not of coldness, but of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. Like all the Guardians, Protectors have a highly developed puritan work ethic, which tells them that work is good, and that play must be earned-if indulged in at all. The least hedonic of all types, Protectors are willing to work long, long hours doing all the thankless jobs the other types seem content to ignore. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for Protectors. When they undertake a task, they will complete it if at all humanly possible; and they know the value of material resources and abhor the squandering or misuse of these resources. Protectors are quite content to work alone; indeed, they may experience some discomfort when placed in positions of authority, and may try to do everything themselves rather than insist that others do their jobs.
With their extraordinary commitment to security, and with their unusual talent for executing routines, Protectors do well in many careers that have to do with conservation: curators, private secretaries, librarians, middle-managers, police officers, and especially general medical practitioners. To be sure, the hospital is a natural haven for them; it is home to the family doctor, preserver of life and limb, and to the registered nurse, or licensed practical nurse, truly the angels of mercy. The insurance industry is also a good fit for Protectors. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are important actions to Protectors, who as insurance agents want to see their clients in good hands, sheltered and protected.
President George HW Bush and Mother Teresa are examples of Protector Guardian style.
Friday, September 08, 2006
Jeff and Drugs
I am such an idiot. Two weeks ago I gave up my anxiety medication. I was feeling strong and happy and stable and I thought there was a chance I could get by without it. I have had a couple of small anxiety attacks, but I thought I was doing ok.
Well, last night I went out with Jeff. He is a great guy and it was a nice date up until I was saying good night. He walked me to my car and then I drove him to him. Up until that point he hadn't been fresh with me and hadn't even tried to hold my hand. So we get to his car and he turns to me and asks if I am coming home with him. At first I thought he was joking so I just laughed and said I didn't go home with guys on the first date. His response was "Really? Come on!". He then kissed me (and it was a great kiss) and asked me again. I told him that I don't do that and wasn't that kind of girl. He asked me again. And this is where it gets embarrassing for me. I started crying. I guess it suddenly dawned on me that he just wanted to sleep with me and didn't care if he liked me or not or if I liked him or not. I was just a lay and I suddenly felt so cheap. I just started crying.
Well, needless to say he was a bit shocked and surprised and felt bad. I tried to explain why I was upset, but it just made me cry more so in the end I just said goodnight.
So I probably won't hear from him again because I'm sure he thinks I'm nuts. I don't know if I am more emotional right now because of the meds or what, but I think I need to go back on the meds. If I wanted to be single and didn't care about the occasional melt down, I would try to stay off it, but I HATE feeling like I am out of control and crying in the car last night, I felt like I was.
I feel so embarrassed and it was such a horrible way to end an otherwise good date. I'm sorry, Jeff.
Well, last night I went out with Jeff. He is a great guy and it was a nice date up until I was saying good night. He walked me to my car and then I drove him to him. Up until that point he hadn't been fresh with me and hadn't even tried to hold my hand. So we get to his car and he turns to me and asks if I am coming home with him. At first I thought he was joking so I just laughed and said I didn't go home with guys on the first date. His response was "Really? Come on!". He then kissed me (and it was a great kiss) and asked me again. I told him that I don't do that and wasn't that kind of girl. He asked me again. And this is where it gets embarrassing for me. I started crying. I guess it suddenly dawned on me that he just wanted to sleep with me and didn't care if he liked me or not or if I liked him or not. I was just a lay and I suddenly felt so cheap. I just started crying.
Well, needless to say he was a bit shocked and surprised and felt bad. I tried to explain why I was upset, but it just made me cry more so in the end I just said goodnight.
So I probably won't hear from him again because I'm sure he thinks I'm nuts. I don't know if I am more emotional right now because of the meds or what, but I think I need to go back on the meds. If I wanted to be single and didn't care about the occasional melt down, I would try to stay off it, but I HATE feeling like I am out of control and crying in the car last night, I felt like I was.
I feel so embarrassed and it was such a horrible way to end an otherwise good date. I'm sorry, Jeff.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Trial Run
I'm off my anxiety medication. I've been doing so well, feeling so stable and happy, that I decided 5 days ago when I ran out that I just wouldn't refill the prescription. I'm doing ok. This has been the most stressful week of the year and I only had one moment where I felt a panic attack coming on, but I focused on my work and pushed thru it and it went away. So I think I will be ok. I want to be completely off it before I try to navigate Istanbul all my myself.
The only odd thing is that my dreams have become more vivid and chaotic. They are full of scenes of my being lost or confused. I guess it's my brain adjusting to the new state, but it is a little disconcerting.
I hope I can do it. I would love to work on being normal and healthy without medication.
The only odd thing is that my dreams have become more vivid and chaotic. They are full of scenes of my being lost or confused. I guess it's my brain adjusting to the new state, but it is a little disconcerting.
I hope I can do it. I would love to work on being normal and healthy without medication.
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