Resolutions

I have several goals for the new year.

1. Work hard and have a successful year in my business
2. Lose 20 pounds
3. Make working out a part of daily life
4. Love my dog more each day
5. Be open to having a relationship and date men that really interest me
6. Learn something completely new
7. Get my walls painted a color other then off white

Update on all Things

Business
Yesterday we were notifed that our business has been approved for the SBA 8(a) program. This is huge because it allows our client to contract with us directly without having to compete the work out. It looks like we are going to be doing a huge amount of work now, which means hiring people and getting an office. So starting in february, the lovely office in the picture will be ours for a year!


Home
I installed hardwood floors over the holidays and they look great!


Love Life
None, but I did go out with some friends to see Flip Like Wilson last saturday and they were amazing! I danced all night long!

Health
I'm doing much better. I still occasionally have vague tummy pain, but I can run and workout with no problem. The only problem is that Sunyi gave my PT time to someone else while I was recovering, so I can only see her once a week until another morning spot opens up. I lost 10 pounds from the surgery, so hopefully I can keep it off. I am taking a break from horseback riding and am taking lessons in rock climbing for a while instead. At least I can climb inside!!! I need to lose 15 more pounds. I hope I have the strenth to do it.

Puppy
Bailey is wonderful and still the love of my life and always will be!

Back in the Saddle

Just an update on life in general. I'm doing very well physically. Today I started my workout program again and it feels wonderful. I hope to start out meeting Suni twice a week and work back up to twice a week. I also hope to be able to start my horseback riding lessons in a few more weeks. I want to wait a bit longer before I do anything with any impact since it still kind of hurts to bounce.

I submitted a claim to the travel insurance so hopefully I can get some of that money back and it can help pay the medical bills and allow me to reschedule it.

Work is crazy busy and stressful right now. There are a lot of contract issues and I hate dealing with it all. I guess I should just count my blessings that I am doing well.

No dates on the horizon and actually, I'm fine with that. I'm going to work on the house, getting healthy and getting my work done.

Oh, and enjoying my little dog.

Cancelled

It's official. I will not be going on my dream vacation next week. I am still recovering from not just one, but two surgeries. So I am getting better, but it is still a lot of work for me just to take Bailey out for a walk. That means I am not up for hauling around luggage, waiting in airport lines, and trying to find my way around Istanbul. I'm going to reschedule it for the same time next year and hope that I can get most of my money back through my trip insurance.

I do feel very blessed though. My folks were so worried and supportive and my best friend really stepped up and took care of me and Bailey. One of my mom's friends who lives in the area came by a few times to make sure I was ok. My business partner has been very supportive of my recovery and even my client has called several times to make sure I am getting better. It's times like these when you really do appreciate the people you have in your life. I can't imagine how stressed out I would be if I was working for BSA and having to worry about getting fired. But I do need to get back on my feet because we have just become busy again and I am needed.

As for my recovery, it has been hard. I swear there were moments in the hospital where I actually thought I was dying. I've lost ten pounds because my body has not wanted to eat. But each day I get a little bit better and I can't wait until I can walk Bailey with no problem, go to the gym, and eat anything you put in front of me. Three more days and I will be off my antibiotics and I hope I will start feeling something closer to normal.

23 Days

That's how long I have before I leave on my trip and I am still sick. I spent yesterday getting an emergency ultrasound and I am waiting now for the doctor to call and let me know if I will need surgery or a different prescription. It's making me very nervous. I HAVE to be healthy for this trip or hiking Mt Vesuvius is going to be more pain then pleasure.

I'm also very frustrated with the doctor's office. They are an hour away and I have had to make 6 trips out there to either see the doctor or leave a test sample. The last two times I went out there I really would have just spoken to the doctor over the phone, but they won't ever let me do that and the last time I was there the doctor came in and told me "there isn't anything I can do for you until we have the ultrasound and I don't know why you keep coming in". Well duh!!! I'm coming in because when I call they tell me I have too and I keep calling because I am in pain! I have done every single thing they have told me to do including changing medication three times because they misdiagnosed me the first two times. So I ended up feeling like a hypochondriac and frankly she hurt my feelings with her lack of concern. At the very least I was able to get her to schedule me for an earlier ultrasound since they weren't going to be able to see me until 10/11, which was going to be a terribly long wait.

I just want to know if I am going to need surgery before my trip and if so, if I can have it next week so I will be able to recover for a couple of weeks before I go. Is that so much to ask???

Realization

I am the most beautiful me in the universe. There is no me more beautiful. I am a living miracle and each day is a wonder to behold.

Cheesy, I know. But sometimes when you wake up with a thought you have to record it.

Men = Bad?

So, I have been very sick just because I met someone I liked and indulged myself over a weekend. Everything was safe and consentual and yet I am on three different medications and have been in pain for over a week. I hope that I am well for my trip. I am very worried about that right now. More then anything else I just want to go back to being able to walk my dog, ride horses, run and work out, like I did just a couple of weeks ago.

So what is the lesson here? Maybe this means that even in the healthiest of situations I am just not my best in relationships. Maybe the idea of being single as a lifestyle choice, is actually the healthier choice for me?

I like sex and I generally feel like I would like to be in a relationship with someone, but every time I move in that direction something smacks me back down. I might mean it's time for me to just learn to be very happy on a daily basis with myself.

Can I Be Normal?

It's amazing how when you are sick you look back at your healthy days and long for something that you took for granted.

I'm sick. Very sick. It could mean surgery if it doesn't get better. So I am having one last glass of wine tonight because tomorrow I go on two different medications that I can't take with alcohol and will have to stay on them for two weeks.

I feel like my life could take a major change in the next couple of weeks as I get over this and try to get back to normal.

Right now I am in pain and food tastes like straw and I don't feel well at all.

Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging

Your Type is
ISFJ
Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences %
56 25 12 33


ISFJ type description by D.Keirsey
ISFJ type description by J. Butt and M.M. Heiss



Qualitative analysis of your type formula

You are:
moderately expressed introvert

moderately expressed sensing personality

slightly expressed feeling personality

moderately expressed judging personality


The primary desire of the Protector Guardian is to be of service to others, but here "service" means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life (the Provider's concern), as guarding others against life's pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security. There is a large proportion of Protectors in the population, perhaps as much as ten percent. And a good thing, because they are steadfast in their protecting, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can insure the safekeeping of those in their family, their circle of friends, or their place of business.

Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They go about their task of caretaking modestly, unassumingly, and because of this their efforts are not sometimes fully appreciated. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Providers, except with close friends and relatives. With these they can chat tirelessly about the ups and downs in their lives, moving (like all the Guardians) from topic to topic as they talk over their everyday concerns. However, their shyness with strangers is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth these Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.

Their quietness ought really to be seen as an expression, not of coldness, but of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. Like all the Guardians, Protectors have a highly developed puritan work ethic, which tells them that work is good, and that play must be earned-if indulged in at all. The least hedonic of all types, Protectors are willing to work long, long hours doing all the thankless jobs the other types seem content to ignore. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for Protectors. When they undertake a task, they will complete it if at all humanly possible; and they know the value of material resources and abhor the squandering or misuse of these resources. Protectors are quite content to work alone; indeed, they may experience some discomfort when placed in positions of authority, and may try to do everything themselves rather than insist that others do their jobs.

With their extraordinary commitment to security, and with their unusual talent for executing routines, Protectors do well in many careers that have to do with conservation: curators, private secretaries, librarians, middle-managers, police officers, and especially general medical practitioners. To be sure, the hospital is a natural haven for them; it is home to the family doctor, preserver of life and limb, and to the registered nurse, or licensed practical nurse, truly the angels of mercy. The insurance industry is also a good fit for Protectors. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies-these are important actions to Protectors, who as insurance agents want to see their clients in good hands, sheltered and protected.


President George HW Bush and Mother Teresa are examples of Protector Guardian style.

Jeff and Drugs

I am such an idiot. Two weeks ago I gave up my anxiety medication. I was feeling strong and happy and stable and I thought there was a chance I could get by without it. I have had a couple of small anxiety attacks, but I thought I was doing ok.

Well, last night I went out with Jeff. He is a great guy and it was a nice date up until I was saying good night. He walked me to my car and then I drove him to him. Up until that point he hadn't been fresh with me and hadn't even tried to hold my hand. So we get to his car and he turns to me and asks if I am coming home with him. At first I thought he was joking so I just laughed and said I didn't go home with guys on the first date. His response was "Really? Come on!". He then kissed me (and it was a great kiss) and asked me again. I told him that I don't do that and wasn't that kind of girl. He asked me again. And this is where it gets embarrassing for me. I started crying. I guess it suddenly dawned on me that he just wanted to sleep with me and didn't care if he liked me or not or if I liked him or not. I was just a lay and I suddenly felt so cheap. I just started crying.

Well, needless to say he was a bit shocked and surprised and felt bad. I tried to explain why I was upset, but it just made me cry more so in the end I just said goodnight.

So I probably won't hear from him again because I'm sure he thinks I'm nuts. I don't know if I am more emotional right now because of the meds or what, but I think I need to go back on the meds. If I wanted to be single and didn't care about the occasional melt down, I would try to stay off it, but I HATE feeling like I am out of control and crying in the car last night, I felt like I was.

I feel so embarrassed and it was such a horrible way to end an otherwise good date. I'm sorry, Jeff.

Trial Run

I'm off my anxiety medication. I've been doing so well, feeling so stable and happy, that I decided 5 days ago when I ran out that I just wouldn't refill the prescription. I'm doing ok. This has been the most stressful week of the year and I only had one moment where I felt a panic attack coming on, but I focused on my work and pushed thru it and it went away. So I think I will be ok. I want to be completely off it before I try to navigate Istanbul all my myself.

The only odd thing is that my dreams have become more vivid and chaotic. They are full of scenes of my being lost or confused. I guess it's my brain adjusting to the new state, but it is a little disconcerting.

I hope I can do it. I would love to work on being normal and healthy without medication.

Tired

Working 15 hour days sucks. I want to go back to being lazy.

Update to Vacation

Here's what I will be doing:
Mon, Oct 23 Fly out of Washington Dulles to Istanbul
Tue, Oct 24 Istanbul, Turkey -- 8:00 pm Board the boat Royal Caribbean
Wed, Oct 25 Mykonos, Greece 2:00 pm 10:00 pm Gawk at Greek men
Shore Excursion: Ancient Delos

The small, uninhabited island of Delos was once the religious center of the entire Aegean area. Today, its archaeological ruins stand as an important historical site in Greece. According to mythology, Delos was the birthplace of Apollo, the god of sun, light, music, harmony and beauty. According to revelations of 19th century excavations, Delos prospered for centuries due to its strategic position within the trade routes of the Aegean.
A local boat will transport you on the 30-minute ride to the west side of the island, which leads directly to the entrance of the archaeological site. You will walk into the heart of the sanctuary where you will see the Temple of Apollo, monuments famous for their history and architectural style, the famous dried lake with the palm tree and the unique marble lions of Delos. After a short rest stop, continue towards the terrace of the foreign gods. The view of the archipelago from there is unforgettable. You will pass through the theater and walk into the famous Hellenistic mansions of Delos with their superb mosaics decoration the floors and walls. You will then return by boat to Mykonos harbor.

Note: Guests must be able to walk and stand for approximately 2 hours over varying terrain. Comfortable walking shoes, a hat and plenty of sunscreen are recommended. Participants will be required to walk (10 minutes) from the town shuttle station to the pier to board the ferry bound to/from Delos since the greater portion of Mykonos is in a pedestrian only zone.

Thu, Oct 26 Kusadasi (ephesus), Turkey 7:00 am 6:00 pm Do something turkish... coffee?
Shore Excursion:Ephesus, Didyma & Miletus with Lunch

The port of Kusadasi is your gateway to the fabulous ruins of Ephesus. During the ride from the port to Ephesus, you will pass through rural Turkish villages and countryside dotted with orchards of fig trees. The guided walking tour will take you through one of the most magnificent excavations in the world. See the Odeon, the Fountain of Trajan, the five terraces of the Apartment House, the Steam Baths of Scolastika, the Temple of Hadrian, and the impressive Library of Celsus. The library is adorned with columns and statues and is considered as one of the most magnificent ruins not only in the city, but also in the ancient world. The Grand Theater, where St. Paul preached, is the largest theater in antiquity with a capacity of 24,000 seats. You return to the buses through the Arcadian Way, where Mark Anthony and Cleopatra once rode in procession.
Continuing the tour, the next stop is at the ancient site of Miletus, which was a great Ionian Port, with two lions guarding its entrance. Miletus was the native city of several philosophers and sages. The theater, reconstructed in the Roman period, is an impressive structure built against the slope of a hill. The ruins of the Faustina Baths are well preserved and the Agora area is strewn with delicately carved white marble ruins. A typical lunch will be served in the town of “Didim” at a local restaurant, overhanging the ruins of the Temple of Didyma where you can taste the Turkish cuisine.

After lunch, you will continue to Didyma, to admire the magnificent Temple of Apollo, a great monument of antiquity. Many times looted and burnt, the sanctuary's elegant beauty is still impressive. Some of the 120 columns that remain standing allow one to visualize the full magnificence of the structure. You will have time for shopping and browsing back in Kusadasi or you can return directly to the ship.

Note: Guests must be able to walk approximately 3 miles over uneven and cobblestone surfaces, inclines and 50+ steps. Touring the above venues will require continual standing and/or walking under the sun for approximately 2.5 hours. Comfortable shoes, a hat and plenty of sunscreen are recommended. The drive between Kusadasi and Miletus is approximately 1 hour and the drive between Didyma and Kusadasi is approximately 1.5 hours, dependent upon traffic conditions. Due to the nature of this tour, it is not recommended for guests with wheelchairs or walkers. Tour order may vary in order to avoid congestion at venues. Guests need to watch their step at all times in order to avoid injuries.

Fri, Oct 27 Santorini, Greece 7:00 am 9:00 pm Eat some real baklava and stare at more greek men
Shore Excursion:Exclusive Santorini Tour

After disembarkation, you will board a private tender for a boat tour of the two islets of Palea and Nea Kameni (volcano) before arriving at the port of Athinios to board your coach and enjoy the scenic drive to the traditional village of Oia.
The beautiful village of Oia is perched atop a craggy cliff at the northern most point of the island, offering panoramic views of steep plummeting cliffs and nearby small islands surrounded by the deep blue sea. The charm of this lovely traditional and somewhat removed village lies in its very narrow, twisting cobblestone alleyways and steps, pointing out the brilliant white stone buildings that create a maze of fine shops, cafes, and domed churches. Walking through the village, you can enjoy the panoramic views and admire the Cycladic architecture for which the town is well known. Meet with your guide and visit the naval museum. A neoclassical old mansion restored and converted to a museum, housing the maritime history of Santorini.

Rejoin your coach and continue to the village of Megalohori to visit the Boutari Winery, one of the most elegant wineries on the island. Specially trained personnel will guide you through the production facilities and its underground cellars. After the tour, you are initiated in the art of wine tasting and treated with local mezes (typical Greek Snacks). Complete your visit with a quick stop in the wine boutique where you can purchase rare wines of limited production as well as books and various items about the wine. Drive to Pyrgos Village for a short stop at the panoramic viewpoint to admire the unique formation of the island.

Your tour terminates in Fira Town, the capital of the island. The charm of this cliff-top village lies in its very narrow, twisting cobblestone paths that cater to pedestrians only. After a short walk, you will reach the Archipelagos Restaurant situated at the edge of the caldera for a delightful lunch. You will have free time in Fira Town for independent browsing and shopping. From Fira you will join the cable car (ticket provided) and descend independently to the old port. A local tender will ferry you back to the ship, which will be anchored offshore.

Note: Guests must be able to walk approximately 1.5 miles over varying terrain, inclines, and 20 - 30 steps. Participants will be required to walk approximately 0.25 mile in Fira Town on their own to reach the cable car station. Tour order may vary but all listed sights will be covered. Participation on this tour is limited but a minimum is required in order for the tour to operate. This tour cannot accommodate children under the age of 6 years.

Sat, Oct 28 At Sea -- -- Eat, sleep, gamble, eat and sleep
Sun, Oct 29 Dubrovnik, Croatia 10:00 am 5:00 pm I haven't a clue
Shore Excursion: Dalmatian Coastline & Wine Tasting

Begin your tour with a westward drive along the coast to the small village of Trsteno where one of the largest botanical gardens in Croatia is located. These gardens, called the Arboretum, contain hundreds of specimens from all over the world. The Arboretum will delight you with exotic vegetation and plants, such as the 500-year old giant plane trees. After strolling through the botanical gardens, depart for Ston, a small town on the narrow isthmus that connects the peninsula of Peljesac to the mainland. This little town is often called a smaller version of Dubrovnik since it has a magnificent wall surrounding the city as well. The walls are 3.1 miles long and the construction started in 1317 and was finished in the 16th century. It is one of the longest defensive walls in the world. A walk south of the wall reveals the reason for these fortifications: salt pans. These were a vital source of income for the Republic of Dubrovnik and they are still used today, just as they were 5 centuries ago.
However, when you mentioned Ston in Croatia people usually think of the oysters. Oyster farms are all around the area. After visiting Ston you will go to the small town of Mali Ston where you will have a chance to taste some sea food – a light lunch consisting of two different risottos (black risotto with octopus and various shell fish and a red risotto consisting of mussels) and sea food pasta. All this will be accompanied with good local wine. Afterwards, you will continue your journey to the small village of Ponikve where you will visit one of the well-known wine cellars of this region – the cellar of the family Milos where you will be have a wine tasting of the famous wines of the "Peljesac" peninsula – both red and white. Return to the ship along the same seashore route.

Note: Guests must be able to walk approximately 0.25 mile over uneven and cobblestone surfaces with several steps at the botanical garden. The tour also involves walking on medium inclines and slippery terrain in the botanical garden. Sturdy walking shoes are recommended. This tour is not recommended for those with walking difficulties. Participants must be 18 years of age in order to sample the wines. Please take photo identification with you.

Mon, Oct 30 Venice, Italy 12:00 pm -- Run around like a nut trying to see everything
Shore Excursion: Masterpieces Of Venice

For Art Lovers, this tour incorporates three of the best-known collections of Italian Masters’ works in Venice along with a splendid boat trip through a short stretch of the Grand Canal to St. Mark’s Square.
Leaving the ship by motor launch, you will reach Piazzale Roma, Venice’s car terminal, where your escort will introduce your guide to start the walking tour. Reaching Santa Maria Gloriosa dei Frari, this huge Gothic Church is said to be the most splendid cathedral in Venice after St. Mark’s Cathedral. Some of its outstanding treasures are works by Titian and Bellini. You will then proceed on foot to the near Scuola Grande di San Rocco, an imposing building of the 16th century. You’ll visit this illustrious scuola, which houses an impressive and rich collection of art from the Italian Masters. Its greatest asset is a collection of more than 50 major paintings by Tintoretto. The Scuola Grande di San Rocco is named for Saint Roch, who was attributed with the power to cure the plague and other major illnesses. His body was brought to Venice in 1485 and laid to rest in the homonymous nearby church.

A winding route of narrow streets and courtyards will lead you to the Ca’ Rezzonico Palace, where a stop will be made to relax and sip a cup of coffee before visiting this venue. There you will have a special opportunity to step inside a former Grand Canal Venetian Palace that now houses the Museum of 18th Century Venice. Decorative objects and numerous paintings by artists such as Canaletto and Longhi reflect the atmosphere of a typical wealthy Venetian Palace of that time. Climb the grand ceremonial staircase leading to the first-floor Ballroom with its remarkable ceiling fresco and then continue to the Long Gallery and other lovely rooms.

At the end of the visit, a motor launch will be available at the Palace pontoon to take you through a short portion of the Grand Canal. Cruising through this section of the Grand Canal you will see Palazzo Grassi, the Accademia Bridge, Palazzo Venier dei Leoni which now houses the Peggy Guggenheim Collection and, passing La Salute Church, you will reach St. Mark’s basin before returning to the ship.

Note: Guests must be able to walk approximately 1 mile (3.25 hours) over even surfaces with approximately 250 steps over various bridges and 60 steps at each venue. Sturdy comfortable walking shoes are recommended. A strict dress code is enforced at the churches. Short pants and tank tops are not acceptable. Photography is not permitted inside the venues visited. On Sundays and church holidays, tour groups are not allowed inside the church during services. However, entry will be allowed on an individual basis to view the interior quietly and reverently. The order of visit may vary, however all sights described will be included.

Tue, Oct 31 Venice, Italy -- 3:00 pm And again run around like a nut then get back on the boat
Shore Excursion: Secret Venice Walking Tour

Most visitors catch only glimpse of Venice and, if you see only its façade, you will leave with a very superficial picture of the city. There is far more to see in Venice than the traditional sight of St. Mark’s and this unique tour will take you deep into Venice’s intricate maze of hidden pedestrian passageways on a 2.5-hour guided walk, plunging you into the bustle of everyday Venetian life. The sights and sounds cannot help but captivate you.
Leaving the ship by motor launch, you will reach Piazzale Roma, where you will meet your guide to begin the walking tour. You will proceed to Campo San Rocco, to view the church of Saint Roch and the "Scuola Grande di San Rocco," one of the great charitable institutions of Renaissance Venice, and, a few steps ahead, the Franciscan Friars church "Santa Maria Gloriosa dei Frari." The façade of this vast 14th century Gothic Church is of a simple brick design punctuated with a white marble portico and pinnacles. Next is “Campo San Polo,” one of the oldest and largest squares in Venice that in ancient times was a staging area for ceremonies, bull-running and theatrical performances. Proceeding through narrow streets and small squares you will find yourself in front of the Grand Canal with a splendid view of the Rialto Bridge, the largest of the three bridges spanning the Grand Canal and one of the most famous in Venice. Have your cameras ready to take photos from both the waterfront and the top of the bridge.

After crossing the bridge, you’ll arrive at “Campo San Bartolomeo,” with the statue of Carlo Goldoni, a famous Venetian dialect play-writer. Next comes the "Fondaco dei Tedeschi," formerly a German warehouse and later a rich commercial emporium, it now serves a more modest purpose as Venice’s main post office. Silence reigns as you leave the busier thoroughfares and cross the "Corte del Milion," where Marco Polo’s family lived to reach the “Campo San Giovanni e Paolo.” After St. Mark’s Square, it's one of the city’s most monumental squares in Venice. There, you will have a chance to visit independently the church dedicated to the Saints John and Paul, the largest and most ambitious example of Gothic architecture in Venice. A refreshment stop will be made in this square so you can enjoy a complimentary coffee and sample a local Venetian biscuit. Rest your feet as you soak up the delightful atmosphere from one of the small local cafés. Your local guide will leave you at this venue.

After the refreshment stop, your escort will lead you through the winding narrow streets, courtyards, and squares to “Riva degli Schiavoni” where the tour terminates by the Church of the “Pietà,” better known as Antonio Vivaldi’s church. Some of his finest music was composed there, for the choir of orphan girls. Your motor launch will be available at this time to return to the ship. You may stay in town and return to the ship independently (at own expense) or return directly to the ship via motor launch. (When the ship is berthed close to St. Mark's Square, there will be no motor launch to take you back to the vessel since it is a short walk.)

Note: Guests must be able to walk approximately 1.8 miles (3 hours) over varying surfaces with steps. Participants should be in good physical condition since this tour involves extensive walking and standing on varying surfaces and climbing numerous bridges with 10 – 200 steps each. Comfortable, flat walking shoes are recommended. For those who wish to visit independently the Church of Saints John and Paul, a strict dress code is enforced. Short pants and tank tops are not acceptable. Photography is not permitted inside the church. Tour route may vary but all listed sights will be covered.

Wed, Nov 1 At Sea -- -- Eat, sleep, gamble, etc...
Thu, Nov 2 Naples, Italy 8:00 am 8:00 pm Food and wine day
Shore Excursion: Mt. Vesuvius & Pompeii Hike

Leaving the port, you will drive south via the motorway towards Mount Vesuvius, Europe’s only still-active volcano that is located on the west coast of Naples. At approximately 3,000 feet, begin your trek on foot over narrow paths that zigzag up the mountain another 1,000 feet. Once on the rim of the crater walls, you will skirt the edge with an official alpine guide while enjoying this natural phenomenon and the panoramic views that includes Naples and its bay.
After visiting this unusual phenomenon, you will descend along the narrow paths to the parking lot and proceed to Pompeii. Once in Pompeii, enjoy a complimentary soft drink before entering the excavation site. Pompeii is possibly the most famous excavation in the world. There a flourishing civilization, buried for 1,700 years, has been brought to life again and where you can see how the citizens of the greatest empire the world has ever known lived and loved, worked and played, ate and drank and died. Entering Pompeii by the Sea Gate you are soon in the Agora, surrounded by temples, porticoes and law courts. 20,000 people lived in this provincial town, of which 2,000 perished in the horrifying eruption of Vesuvius in AD 79. Twenty feet of volcanic ash and pumice stone covered Pompeii. Much of this has been removed over the last 200 years to reveal the details of everyday life in Pompeii. Time permitting; you’ll stop at a cameo factory where you will have the opportunity to observe local artisans at work in their century old tradition en route back to the ship.

Note: Guests must be able to walk approximately 5.5 miles over varying terrain. A portion of the route will be uphill so guests should be in good physical condition. Guests suffering from heart disease and high blood pressure should not participate on this excursion. Caution is advised when walking across hardened lava and rocky ground where crevices still exude fumes and heat. Low heeled and comfortable walking or hiking shoes, hat and sunscreen protection are recommended. This tour will operate in all weather conditions so participants should take appropriate weather gear with them, carry a backpack for belongings and take bottled water to stay hydrated during the hike. Participants should be aware that there are certain inherent risks involved with any hiking excursion. A parent or guardian must accompany children who are 10 to 16 years of age. Children under 10 years of age cannot be accommodated on this tour. There are no facilities available at the summit of Mount Vesuvius or the excavation site of Pompeii. The order of the tour may be reversed.

Fri, Nov 3 Civitavecchia (rome), Italy 7:00 am 7:00 pm gelato and art day
Shore Excursion: Exclusive, Best of Rome

This tour has been designed for those guests who wish to enjoy a complete overview of Rome. Begin your day with a 90-minute drive to Vatican City, the smallest state in the world. St. Peter's Basilica took well over 100 years to build and is the largest church in the world, resting on 800 pillars and littered with 44 altars. Visit the Vatican Museum and the 15th century Sistine Chapel and view paintings by great masters. Dominating the chapel is Michelangelo's ceiling painting of the "Creation of the World." Leaving the Vatican City, lunch is served in a fine restaurant and includes wine.
After lunch, visit the famous Trevi Fountain. A short time is allocated at leisure for photographs. Rejoin the coach for an impressive drive through Rome. Places of interest seen may include Borghese Park, the Janiculum Hill, Castle Sant'Angelo and Circus Maximus. Pass the huge monument to Victor Emmanuel, Capitol Hill, and the Roman Forum with the rostrum where Mark Anthony made his impassioned speech over the body of Julius Caesar. View the exterior of the historic Colosseum, acknowledged as one of the world's most celebrated buildings.

Note: The tour is conducted by motor coach. No interior visit to the Colosseum is made during this tour. Guests must be able to walk approximately 3 miles over even and cobblestone surfaces with approximately 45 steps along with extended periods of standing. A strict dress code is enforced in the Vatican Museum (Sistine Chapel) and St. Peter's Basilica. Short pants, tank tops and revealing clothing are not acceptable. Guests may be required to check large bags, backpacks, video cameras and/or personal water bottles at designated check points. Flash photos are not permitted in the Vatican Museum. Video and photography are not permitted at any time in the Sistine Chapel. The itinerary may be altered to accommodate local conditions. This tour cannot accommodate children under the age of 6 years. Should a mass be taking place in St. Peter's Basilica, your entrance may be restricted. Should your guide determine that the queue at the St. Peter's Basilica security check point is longer than a 45-minute wait, they will forego the interior visit of the Basilica and provide you with a full explanation and description while outside. You will be provided more time during your shopping or free period to compensate for not entering the basilica. Since the Vatican Museum (Sistine Chapel) will be closed on Aug. 13th and Nov. 1st, an interior visit of the Colosseum will be substituted on the Brilliance of the Seas' 08/08/06 sailing and the Voyager of the Seas' 10/28/06 sailing only.

Sat, Nov 4 Villefranche (nice), France 10:00 am 11:00 pm Food and wine day
Shore Excursion: Monte Carlo & Grand Casino

Discover the paradise of Monaco while visiting the greatest casino in the world, Monte Carlo's Grand Casino. Following your arrival by tender at Villefranche's 16th century harbor, your coach will depart the old port's Citadel for the drive along the Middle Corniche Road, viewing the pine-studded peninsula of St. Jean Cap Ferrat and the medieval village of Eze.
At the Rock of Monaco, an ancient walled city overlooking the sea, your guide will escort you on foot through the Old Quarter where you'll have time to explore the vaulted passageways or visit Palace Square and the 19th century cathedral. En route to Monte Carlo, your coach will travel along a portion of the Grand Prix Motor Race circuit to the Grand Casino. Arriving at Place du Casino in Monte Carlo, your guide will escort you inside the Grand Casino where you will have approximately 1 hour to try your luck at French Roulette, or simply explore this landmark. You will return to Villefranche via the Lower Corniche Road. From there a spectacular panorama of Beaulieu, Villefranche and Nice unfold before your eyes.

Note: At the Rock of Monaco and the Grand Casino, guests must take an escalator and an elevator from the parking structure. Guests must be able to walk approximately 0.5 mile over even surfaces with inclines and 10 - 15 steps. A passport is not required to enter the Grand Casino if you are on tour; however, one is required to collect gaming winnings. Guests may be asked for a photo ID since persons under the age of 18 are not permitted in the Grand Casino. Bathing suits, beachwear, jogging suits, jeans and/or tennis shoes are not permitted in the Grand Casino. All attire should be neat and clean. Cameras and video cameras are not permitted in the Grand Casino.

Sun, Nov 5 Livorno (florence), Italy 7:00 am 7:00 pm gelato and art day
Shore Excursion: Cinque Terre

Leaving the port of Livorno, you will drive north for approximately 1.5 hours passing Pisa and the famous beach resorts of Viareggio and Forte dei Marmi until La Spezia where you will start a scenic cruise on board a modern motorboat. You will admire beautiful panoramas of the coast and the island of Palmaria before turning into the beauty of the Cinque Terre.
The Cinque Terre is a National Park and territory protected by UNESCO. This zone is characterized by the presence of typical steep slopes cultivated with vines thanks to terraces, unique witness of the transformation of the territory carried out by man’s hard work. The suggestive kind of coast falling sheer to the sea, with cliffs which are often vertical, alternated with small creeks and enchanting beaches among rocks, with depths rich in fish, make this territory a real Natural "work of art." The first stop will be Riomaggiore where you will enjoy walking along the “Street of Love,” a spectacular path along the seaside that goes until Manarola. There you will board a motorboat for a short ride to Vernazza, a picturesque fishing village where you will enjoy time at leisure. No visit to Cinque Terre is complete without visiting Monterosso al mare, probably the most famous of the 5 lands for the characteristic historical center. After a guide introduction, you will have free time to explore the tiny shops and nice restaurants. To return to the ship in Livorno, your coach will be ready for the return drive.

Note: Guests must be able to walk for approximately 2 hours over various surfaces, with extended periods of standing and numerous steps. Comfortable walking shoes are recommended. This tour does not include lunch. In case of bad sea conditions this tour will be operated by bus and train. Passengers will go to Manarola by coach, walk along the “Street of Love” until Riomaggiore and than proceed by train to Vernazza and Monterosso. Due to the nature of this tour, it is not recommended for guests with walkers or wheelchairs.

Mon, Nov 6 At Sea -- -- Eat, sleep, gamble, etc...
Tue, Nov 7 Barcelona, Spain 7:00 am -- Get off the boat, find hotel (Palace)
Spend two days wandering Barcelona.
Thurs, Nov 9 Board flight back to DC.

It's HOW fucking hot out?!?

Today was officially a record breaking day in terms of heat. We hit at least 101 and when you add the humidity it feels more like 115. I took Bailey out for a walk at the park and let her swim. She loves the heat and if I open the balcony, she will actually go lay in the sun. Silly puppy!

I went on date number two with the new guy in my life. His name is John and he is great and we click so well. He is sweet and compassionate and his kisses send me right over the edge. I'm taking it one day at a time, but I am so happy to have met someone I click with.

Ivan was just voted off "So you think you can dance". He was my favorite next to the swing dancing guy.

Anyway, workouts are going well. The diet is on and I have even given up drinking 6 days a week. I started smoking cigarettes a couple weeks ago for some stupid reason, so I have to stop doing that. I want to lose 20 pounds by my trip and I have to get serious about it. I'm already killing myself exercising. If I can just control my love of food and drink for a few months I will have no problem at all.

Of course, John thinks I am hot just the way I am. Benefit!

Vacation Countdown - 90 days

That's right. I am going on a massively expensive, wonderfully indulgent, super duper long, vacation. I am taking a 14 day cruise around the Caribbean followed by two extra days in Barcelona, Spain. That gives me 90 days to lose 20 pounds, so I not only look fantastic while I am doing it, but so I can also eat all the food I want and not worry.

Here's what I will be doing:
Mon, Oct 23 Fly out of Washington Dulles to Istanbul
Tue, Oct 24 Istanbul, Turkey -- 8:00 pm Board the boat Royal Caribbean
Wed, Oct 25 Mykonos, Greece 2:00 pm 10:00 pm Gawk at Greek men
Thu, Oct 26 Kusadasi (ephesus), Turkey 7:00 am 6:00 pm Do something turkish... coffee?
Fri, Oct 27 Santorini, Greece 7:00 am 9:00 pm Eat some real baklava and stare at more greek men
Sat, Oct 28 At Sea -- -- Eat, sleep, gamble, eat and sleep
Sun, Oct 29 Dubrovnik, Croatia 10:00 am 5:00 pm I haven't a clue
Mon, Oct 30 Venice, Italy 12:00 pm -- Run around like a nut trying to see everything
Tue, Oct 31 Venice, Italy -- 3:00 pm And again run around like a nut then get back on the boat
Wed, Nov 1 At Sea -- -- Eat, sleep, gamble, etc...
Thu, Nov 2 Naples, Italy 8:00 am 8:00 pm Food and wine day
Fri, Nov 3 Civitavecchia (rome), Italy 7:00 am 7:00 pm gelato and art day
Sat, Nov 4 Villefranche (nice), France 10:00 am 11:00 pm Food and wine day
Sun, Nov 5 Livorno (florence), Italy 7:00 am 7:00 pm gelato and art day
Mon, Nov 6 At Sea -- -- Eat, sleep, gamble, etc...
Tue, Nov 7 Barcelona, Spain 7:00 am -- Get off the boat, find hotel (Palace)
Spend two days wandering Barcelona.
Thurs, Nov 9 Board flight back to DC.

I only hope I live long enough to go on this trip. I can die happy when I get home. Oh, and random sex with a sexy italian would also be nice.

Work

A lot of it. No time to miss the Fool or to even do much dating. John is out of town anyway. I think I'm going to schedule a vacation to Italy tonight. I will write more when I get the chance.

Amy's party was wonderful and I wish she did it more then twice a year. If I had a big backyard, I would have a crab feast and invite everyone!

Anniversay

I have been away from the Fool site for one week and I can feel the compulsion fading. The knot in my stomach is going away and I feel that I am more focused and happy.

The more removed from it all I get the more outrageous their actions seem to be. It is just wrong to be cruel for no reason. To make someone feel like nothing. No person of quality would be comfortable doing that. And the bitterness was beginning to overwhelm me to the point where I felt like lashing out.

That is not who I am and I never want to turn into that person.

Now, looking forward. I might be meeting someone tomorrow that will make me very excited and happy to be dating. I don't want to mess it up by saying anymore.

Withdrawal

Today marks 4 days that I left what I will refer to at the torture room. It is so hard. I find myself wanting to go back just to see if anyone has noticed I'm gone yet. And if they have, what are they saying. But it's silly, because if they are talking about me, I'm sure it isn't kind.

I'm hoping it gets easier as time goes on.

Goodbye Forever

I have closed my account to the Fool website. The more time I spend there the more empty and bruised I feel. I don't understand why I don't fit in, but I don't. The good news is that I waste an awful lot of time there and I can put that time toward work and leisure now.

I will miss the friends I made on the site including my beer friend in the above picture. Hopefully they will be interested in staying in touch, but if not I will understand.

I need to close this chapter of my life and work on building up some confidence that I lost there. I feel hardened and bitter and hurt and I need to let those things go.

Good bye to the Fool!

Charles

I had a date with Charles tonight. We met at a local place in old town for drinks and dinner. I ended up not really eating since I had a large lunch, but I did have a couple of drinks.

He's a lawyer and actually we had a good time. He is smart and funny and was very complimentary. After dinner we walked down to the water front and chatted. He asked (and got) a couple of kisses.

I had a very nice time until about half way thru the walk. He started getting handsy and was definitely putting the moves on me. Well, I wasn't quite into it and the result is that I mostly felt like backing off. We walked back to the car and I told him I really needed to get going. He tried talking me into getting into his car and "talking" for a few minutes before I left, but I wasn't born yesterday. I told him I really needed to leave, gave him a goodbye hug and hit the road.

So I guess the question in my mind is, was he only being nice to me because he was hoping to get lucky or did he really like me? Was I turned off because I felt like he wanted sex or was I just not attracted to him?

I am so bad at dating.

Santa Fe

Today I drove up to Santa Fe to do some shopping and to eat at the best New Mexican Restaurant in the state. It was a bit weird at first. So many bad memories associated with this state.

As I was driving into town I passed by the bar my mom was working at the night she drove home and fell asleep at the wheel and died. The only time I have ever been there was the day my little sister and I went there to pick up her last check.

The city hasn't changed much. I drove past the park I played at as a child. My mom used to have a picture of me playing on one of the rocking horses when I was about two. The plaza is the same one I used to get stoned at and watch Shakespeare in the Park.

I stopped for lunch and had the worlds best burrito with both green and read chili. I topped it off with a glass of sangria. It is amazing to me how food that is so simple can make me feel so excited. There is really nothing like it anywhere.

At any rate, I spent the rest of the afternoon wandering in and out of galleries and shops. I picked up some new turquoise jewelry, a gorgeous hand panted pot and two Dia del Muerte figurines, one for me and one for my best friend. I also picked up some cooking supplies to bring home with me.

On the way home I stopped at the casino and won $100.

Coming home is always such an emotional thing. Actually driving thru my home town will give me a tummy ache. The only thing I can still love are my mountains and the forest. No bad memories associated with my time spent with nature.

I guess this is my BSC post of the day.

New Mexico

Right now I am sitting in the back yard at my parents home watching a thunderstorm roll in. It is 95 degrees with a slight breeze. The air is warm and I can't remember 95 degrees ever feeling so pleasant before. You can smell the rain even though it isn't actually raining here yet and it is mingling with the smell of the purple sage that grows in huge clumps.

My little dog is busy exploring every corner of the backyard and has discovered that occasionally there is a bunny to be chased.

I woke up early this morning and went out for my coffee and let myself have a muffin (vacation diet). Later when my mum woke up we headed out to the gym for a very satisfying workout. The gym is walking distance away and while the sun is very intense, it is nice to be outside.

There is a small park nearby where bailey can be let off leash to run and fetch her ball. We have already gone twice today and will probably go again before bed.

Now we are off to dinner at Hot Tamale, a New Mexican restaurant a few miles away. I can't wait and I hope the food is so hot that it makes me cry. Afterwards my dad and I are going to head out to the casino and play some poker.

It's days like this when I really miss living here, even if I don't particularly like Albuquerque. There is just something very special about New Mexico and I think it will always be a part of me. Maybe I will retire to Santa Fe when I am old and grey.

Celibacy

So, I ended things with Drew. It hurts, but I was basically torturing myself by trying to be casual about seeing him, but craving it at the same time. So I will need to go cold turkey. There are a couple of guys that I would date if they contacted me and asked, but I don't think I am going to seek them out. I am just going to focus on work and my health and weight loss (7.5 pounds down!). Yeah it sucks not being able to have some fantastic sex with a guy I really, really liked, but such is my life.

The boards are eating my soul away. I am overwhelmed by the negativity. I wish I was better at brushing it all off. I am way too sensitive and I am letting it affect my self confidence. I need to try to reverse that.

Tears

Today was a horrible day. I've already been feeling lonely and restless, but today we also found out that we are not likely to be paid for at least another month and I have apparently accidentally pissed off yet another person in the FAA. My client loves me, but has asked that I please try to be a bit more of a butt kisser when I am talking to folks. So I am not feeling stable at all. The company account will be empty in two weeks and my partner and I will be getting our last paycheck for who knows how long at that time.

Add to that another bad day on the boards as I try to finally hate Richard. I have tried to be cool and let things go. I have tried to joke and be light hearted. He hates me and it hurts so badly that I can't handle it. Then you get all the other folks throwing in their insults and I just crumble.

Drew came over to visit me before he left town for the weekend. He told me how pretty I am and held me while I let a few tears out. I adore him, but he is a bachelor and doesn't want a relationship and I just have to accept that.

I feel so incredibly sad and misunderstood. At least my dog still loves me.

Gym

15 minutes bike
4 sets of seated row
jumping squats
bench press
shoulder press 2 sets
lower back thingie
two sets of leg lifts/abs
stationary lunges
squats with knee to elbow cross
touching toes on balance ball
squats on balance ball
push ups

Eye candy was there and his name is Jeremy. I was bold and just asked his name while he was passing by. My trainer was in the middle of nagging me about doing 60 minutes of cardio every day and when he told me his name he smiled and told her he would be happy to help nag me.

He is so cute! I want to do naughty things to him.

And today is scone day!

Matchmaker

So a friend of mine has a friend she wants to try to hook me up with. I got an email from him this morning and I am already deciding I might not be interested. I am so pathetic. What are the things that turned me off?

I've been a physical education teacher at all levels for 34 years.

I could be wrong, but doesn't that mean he is probably in his early 50's at least? I think a possible 20 year age difference is a bit much for me.

I have three children two daughters (28 & 29 in June) and a son (26) who lives with me.

Again, he has to be much, much older then me to have children who are almost my age. Plus one of them is still at home. I'm not ready to be a step son who is the same age as a guy I dated last year.

And finally...

I enjoy movies (good comedy w/o the 'F' word

So he is also uptight. Not that I am a wild girl or anything, but I don't mind blue humor, I enjoy reading maxim and have been known to enjoy porn. It sounds like he is a bit too conservative for me.

Am I being too tough on him? I really don't know what to think of him.

Monday Photo

Double Date Day

The day started with brunch at the Chart House by the water front with Brian. He was actually very charming. We shared travel stories and talked about our families. He has beautiful big blue eyes. The meal lasted an hour and a half before we finally walked each other to the cars. He has already asked to see me again but is going to be traveling to the Czech Republic for a couple of weeks and will call when he gets back.

Then I came home and napped and met Eric at 4 for dinner and a movie. He was very sweet. I had a salad and then we went to see xmen 3. It was fabulous. We kissed and he went home.

Over all a very nice day.

Meeting

This morning I have to go into DC to meet with my primary client. One of the negatives to working at home is that I never get used to the meetings and being around clients all the time. So once again, my tummy is in a knot and my mind keeps imagining the worst for the meeting.

I wish I was normal.

I have once again lost my urge to date. I got several emails from match.com over the holidays and some of them actually look very nice. I was supposed to call one of them last night to chat, and I completely forgot. I'm so tired of dating.

Yesterday

Work up and went to my workout...

10 minutes on bike
1.5 miles on treadmill (1st mile in 12.5 minutes)
2 sets of chest exercises using pully machine

At this point I started getting head rushes because I stupidly forgot to eat anything before the workout. My head started pounding at the end of the sets. We tried to do some sit ups but my muscles started trembling. So we stopped, did stretches and she let me go 10 minutes early making me promise that I will get a scone (yes a scone!) on the way home and that I would always eat before our workouts.

Went home and showered and hit the road, grabbing my coffee, scone and a banana and some pecans for the trip.

Got to the Borgata around 3, absolutely starving to death and not feeling very well. Ordered a steak and mashed potatoes and a glass of wine to try to relax myself a little.

I didn't feel well enough to play poker well, so I stuck to the slot machines. They took my money, but entertained me until 6pm when my head is really starting to pound.

I continue on to the hotel in NY. By the time I get to the hotel, headache has become a migraine. I check in around 8 and decide I should try to take a nap. Only my migraine is joined by a panic attack (don't ask me why). So I get up, take my meds and something to put me to sleep and decided the best thing I could do is sleep until morning.

So here I am, ten minutes away from the restaurant opening, starving, but feeling much better. I'm going to get myself a nice breakfast and relax until it's time for the party.

Drew

So after a couple of cocktails last night I came home and wrote Drew an email. I told him that I was upset that he wasn't more responsive and that I never seem to be able to get a hold of him and it made me distrustful of him.

This morning I got an email from him apologizing. He has been working extra hours since he was gone for so long. He realizes that he can be a bit distant and agrees that maybe he just isn't available enough for me.

He says he would still like to stay in contact and remain friends, which I told him I was fine with.

So I may have jumped the gun with the email, but really, it was driving me nuts anyway. So I am sad, but at least I know where we stand now.

I have a breakfast date from match this morning. It is a guy who has been trying to get a date with me for a very long time. He didn't really seem like my type so I had said no, but I guess I figured I didn't have anything else going on, so I might as well meet him.

Drew was the perfect man for me. I wish he was around more.

Goddess

Aphrodite Indeed, you are 58% erudite, 87% sensual, 33% martial, and 41% saturnine.

Born from the foam of the sea, Aphrodite became the Greek Goddess of Love and Beauty. This is a polite way of saying she was the Goddess of Sex. In the case of Aphrodite, perhaps it would be more accurate to say she was the Goddess of sex, sex, and more sex. Obviously all this sex couldn't possibly be good 100% of the time, and it wasn't. Aphrodite was as well known for the pain she brought as she was for the pleasures of sexual passion which she personified. The lesson she taught was: "Every pleasure has its price." The most notorious example of this is when she promised Paris, a Prince of Troy, the love of the world's most beautiful woman, Helen, if only he would judge her the fairest Goddess in a ridiculous contest that developed between Aphrodite, Hera, and Athena. Unable to resist such a lusty bribe, the foolish Prince declared Aphrodite the winner, which irked Hera and Athena to no end. True to her word, Aphrodite allowed Helen to fall under the seductive charms of young Paris. What happened next most everyone knows - a ten year war that didn't come to an end until a certain wooden horse came on the scene. In spite of all the pain and misery that Aphrodite brings to those who naively think of love as a simple matter full of sunshine and lollipops, she is still the Goddess of beauty and can be very gentle to those who respect and understand her sensual and complex nature.

Link: The Mythological Goddess Test written by Nitsuki on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Pillars - Chapter 3

The Face of Self Esteem is an indepth discussion of what true self esteem looks like. My favorite part is the idea that strong self esteem creates a feeling of relaxation because we are sure of our ability to eventually conquer our obstacles.

"Relaxation implies that we are not hiding from ourselves and are not at war with who we are."

Self esteem is linked to the following:

Rationality - Living consciously and valuing facts above unreflective obedience.

Realism - A recognition of what is and what is not.

Intuitiveness - The ability to trust your instincts.

Creativity - Being able to value the production of the mind. Taking those ideas and nurturing them.

Independence - Confidence to follow your own path.

Flexibility - Ability to examine the facts and change your actions accordingly. "A mind that trusts itself is light on its feet." Includes being comfortable managing change.

Willingness to admit and correct mistakes.

Benevolence and cooperativeness - Dealing with others with compassion.

Pillars - Chapter 2/All is good!

The friendship is totally mended. And it was a very nice day.

Today I met my personal trainer, the Queen of Pain, at the gym for what was an extremely hard workout. Then, after a quick shower I went next door to get a lavender Citrus Sea Salt Glow treatment, which was wonderful!

On the way back, Bailey and I stopped at Kelly's. She wanted to meet to talk about what happened and see if we can work it all out. The very first thing she did was hug me and apologize. We came in and both apologized and we came to the conclusion the we had simply both fallen into a routine and neither one of us wanted to let the other down. We both need to try to spend more time doing things with other people.

After the hugging and tears, we decided to celebrate it with dinner at our favorite Puerto Rican restaurant where we had margaritas, empanada, and papas rellenas (sp?). Then we finished it all off with a coconut pineapple flan.

So we hugged and said goodnight. I called her a butthead and she called me a loser.

All is right with the world again.

Got a little distracted with other stuff this week, but I need to keep chugging thru this stuff, so this is my comments on chapter 2.

The chapter is titled "The Meaning of Self-Esteem" and goes into detail on what self-esteem is and is not and how it affects behavior in the real world.

The author breaks self esteem into two components: confidence (self-efficacy) and assurance (self respect).

Confidence is further defined as having confidence in the functioning of the mind, ability to think, understand, learn. Basically self trust.

Assurance is defined as the right to be happy. A feeling of being worth joy and happiness.

So I look at my life and see that when I was young, I had no self esteem at all in that I had no confidence or assurance. As I have grown older, educated myself, and seen that I am capable of learning and making good decisions, I see that I now have confidence (or at least a ton more then I did when I was younger). However, I seem to be missing the assurance piece. I do not really see myself as being worthy of love and happiness.

The chapter ends with some remarks on Pride and how it is often seen as a negative, but it really a very positive thing. It is about being happy with your choices and accomplishments. I know one thing... I am very proud of myself and I think that means that I will be able to fill in the missing pieces of my self esteem and move forward to being a more complete person.

Six Pillars of Self Esteem Chapter One

So I am going to force myself to read the book all the way thru this time and take it to heart and I thought it would keep me on track to post my thoughts after each chapter.

So after chapter one I am reminded how important it is for me to do this.

Love - I will never GET the type of man I want until I feel like I deserve the type of man I want.

Self-fulfilling prophecies - As long as I am constantly surprised at my success I will always have the posibility of sabatoging my success. As a matter of fact, as I was reading this last night I was reflecting on my business. I have not been putting the effort into it that I was in the beginning. I haven't done any damage yet, but I believe I might be sabotaging myself a little by not giving it my all. Why? Because I don't really believe I should be this successful. Time to nip this in the butt!

My favorite quote from this chapter:

"If my aim is to prove I am "enough", the project goes on to infinity - because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debatable."

So I really need to do this now!

Love and Hate

I really do try to live my life in a positive way. I don't hate anyone. I don't put anyone down. I don't ridicule or demean. For the last two months I have been in an exchange online with a group of people who enjoy hate and negativity. I tried looking at it as a joke. I tried playing along. I tried arguing against it. I tried fighting back. All that has happened is the number of people on their side has grown and I have become sick and emotionally worn out. I can't do it anymore and I am so upset that it has turned out this way.

Richard, my apologies to you. I wish we had never met. I wish you had asked them to stop in the beginning. I wish you had been the gentleman you seemed to be. I wish you saw the unfairness in which you are judging me. Now, I am going to try to forget all about you.

Eric. I don't know what to think of you. I like you, but I don't know what is really happening between us. When we met, I was so taken with you. Then you pulled away and said you wanted to be friends. Now you want to be together again, but you won't say that we are dating. I think you are here for the sex and having said you don't want a relationship it gives you the out to end it at any time and not commit. So I am going to keep dating and if I find someone who treats me better, I am going to take the more comfortable relationship that might have a future.

I have a terrible cold and I pulled a muscle in my back. But I can see the effects of my workouts. I am beginning to see myself as sexy again. Like the picture...

Happy Birthday to me!!!!

Thank you, Kelly for the great card! And thank you Bailey for asking her to make it. I would also like to thank the stripper for giving up his thong for Rusty to model for our pleasure.

Tonight, eating at Georgia Brown's with Scott. I can't wait!

Moving on and moving up

Things are going very well these days.

My company has been accepted into the GMU Mentorship/Protege Program. Plus we are partnering with a larger small ITSEC company to go after some larger contracts. It's very good news for my partner and I.

After talking to Allison and the input from the rest of my friends, I have told Eric that I am OK with being friends. So now he has offered to take me out to my favorite restaurant for my birthday, which is very sweet of him. I also have a coffee date tonight with someone new as well as another date over the weekend.

My exercise program is paying off. I have lost another pound and it looks like I will be down 10 pounds by my birthday, which was my goal. I bought myself a heart rate monitor and used it today for the first time. My personal trainer wants me to do 45 minutes at my target heart rate 5 times a week and this makes it so easy.

The flying monkeys seem to mostly be off my back other then a few posts here and there and I am over it. At this point it is just background noise. I want to thank the folks who have been supportive and interested in knowing the truth.

I wish Richard and I could talk and try to get back to being friends, but I just don't see that happening. He would have to take some responsibility for what happened on the boards and I just don't see him having that much character. But hey, if he wants to be friends with a bunch of crazy, rude, emotionally ugly girls, that's his problem. I hope he knows that karma will not be a positive factor in his life though.

Certification and Accreditation Professional

Yep! I have another certification under my belt!

Woooohooooo!

Thicker Skin

Apparently that is what I need.

Just a summary, things on the MotleyFool board went downhill when my contacting Richard lead to them saying I was stalking him and that I am nuts and a lot of other terrible things. I don't know how it got that bad. There are some very mean people on that site and I guess I just tend to think that most people are like me. I can't imagine making someone's life difficult for no reason.

Since I was bullied as a little girl, I took the stance that I should defend myself and that if I showed them that I wouldn't let them push me around that they would stop. Well apparently cyber and the real world are the opposite in that respect, because it only made it worse.

The only thing I can do now is not say anything at all until it all passes over.

Tact Filters

Excellent post from the internet:

I came up with this idea several years ago in a conversation with a friend at MIT, who was regularly finding herself upset by other people who worked in in her lab. The analogy worked so well in helping her to understand her co-workers that I decided to write it up and put it on the web. I've gotten quite a few email messages since then from other people who have also found it helpful.

All people have a "tact filter", which applies tact in one direction to everything that passes through it. Most "normal people" have the tact filter positioned to apply tact in the outgoing direction. Thus whatever normal people say gets the appropriate amount of tact applied to it before they say it. This is because when they were growing up, their parents continually drilled into their heads statements like, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!"

"Nerds," on the other hand, have their tact filter positioned to apply tact in the incoming direction. Thus, whatever anyone says to them gets the appropriate amount of tact added when they hear it. This is because when nerds were growing up, they continually got picked on, and their parents continually drilled into their heads statements like, "They're just saying those mean things because they're jealous. They don't really mean it."

When normal people talk to each other, both people usually apply the appropriate amount of tact to everything they say, and no one's feelings get hurt. When nerds talk to each other, both people usually apply the appropriate amount of tact to everything they hear, and no one's feelings get hurt. However, when normal people talk to nerds, the nerds often get frustrated because the normal people seem to be dodging the real issues and not saying what they really mean. Worse yet, when nerds talk to normal people, the normal people's feelings often get hurt because the nerds don't apply tact, assuming the normal person will take their blunt statements and apply whatever tact is necessary.

So, nerds need to understand that normal people have to apply tact to everything they say; they become really uncomfortable if they can't do this. Normal people need to understand that despite the fact that nerds are usually tactless, things they say are almost never meant personally and shouldn't be taken that way. Both types of people need to be extra patient when dealing with someone whose tact filter is backwards relative to their own.

Copyright © 1996 by Jeff Bigler. Permission is granted to redistribute this text in its entirety, provided that this copyright notice and either the URL for the page (http://www.mit.edu/~jcb/tact.html) or a link to it is included. All other rights reserved.

Spring?

I can't believe how beautiful it was outside today. It is mid January and an amazing 63 degrees outside. I took off early so Bailey and I could go to the dog park and I did about 1.5 miles of walking up and down the hiking trails as Bailey went after the squirels.

I had a very nice talk with a man who was walking his dog. He was very sweet and friendly. Unfortunately, very married. But his dog is a hoot and I enjoyed watching him run thru the woods.

I was considering going out on a date this weekend with Kamran. He is a guy from match.com who contacted me yesterday. Unfortunately, I spoke with him on the phone for a few minutes and I think he is lying to me about who he is. So, no date.

I think I will focus on chores and exercise this weekend.

I think I lost a pound, but so far the diet and exercise don't seem to be doing very much. Must try harder.

Monday Monday

So I am very tired, but after about 10 hours of sleep, I think I am back on schedule. Yesterday was a very grueling 12 hour trip home. Since we lost the last part of the trip definitely took a down turn, but I am still glad I went. It was my first football game ever and was a lot of fun.

The weather wasn't bad considering it was winter in Seattle. It did rain, but it wasn't a soaking rain and it would take occasional breaks. It wasn't really that cold either.

On Saturday morning I woke up and went down to the hotels gym and worked out. I ran two miles and felt very good for doing so.

I was invited to go by my friend Mike. He is one of the first people I met when I moved to DC and we went on one date that never went anywhere. Frankly, I was excited to be able to spend some time around him because I think he is fun and cute. Now I know he goes for the playboy type of hot girls, but I was kind of hoping that maybe we could at least have some playful flirting or something. Well, it turns out I am not even attractive to him to consider a FWB relationship with. Not that I was going to sleep with him, but it has been a long time since I met a man who thought I was so ugly that he wouldn't even consider casual sex. I mean, won't most men sleep with a snake if they can get the head to be still? So that's why I was so upset and am still very upset. I have officially been placed in the "too homely for any sex at all" category.

Well, at least I have to give him credit for being honest with me. But I have never felt so unattractive in all my life. Even my clothes started to feel all wrong. My fat seemed to grow three sizes in one day.

So I am back on my diet and exercise program and I want to see if I can lose 10 pounds by my birthday.

Cat Miracle Diet

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those of us who have never had any success dieting, now there is the new Cat Miracle Diet!

Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you will not only look and feel better, you will have a whole new outlook on food. Six weeks will change you forever! Good Luck!

DAY ONE:
Breakfast: open can of expensive gourmet cat food, any flavor as long as it cost more than $.75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat one bite of food, look around disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor.
Stare at the wall for a while before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or Partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa,. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO:
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa, knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food - tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your down-filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

Repeat days one through three.

FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: eat six bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

There! It's simple and does not use exotic ingredients. Anyone can follow this diet - and the results after as little as six weeks are amazing!

(Author unknown)

On your mark, get set.... GO!

It's now 2006. Soon I will be turning 36 and continuing this adventure that is my life. Let's take a minute to review.

Life is good. I like a certain Richard, a man I will never have and need to get over. My home is wonderful and my business is doing well. I love my puppy and my friends. I will continue to work on the relationship with my sister and will try to spend more time with my family in general.

Looking forward I would like to see myself lose the weight I am carrying. I think it will do wonders for my self esteem. Kelly and I will get back to running tomorrow and I am going back on weight watchers today.

Dating has been more interesting lately. I have been meeting men who are closer to the type I can actually see myself with. It is still hard for me to meet men who only see me as a sexual encounter don't think they really get how bad it makes me feel to be told that I am not "relationship material". Even though I can't have children, doesn't mean I don't eventually want a family of my own. I just prefer to not think about every man I meet as a potential father of my children until I have determined if he is a potential mate for me. It's funny how often men go the other way around. Men who wouldn't think of looking for a girlfriend seem to hit this wall and suddenly they won't talk to a woman they can't marry and have little clones with.

Oh well. I am strong and doing well and maybe, just maybe, someone else will see that and love me, even though I am mildly crazy, sometimes difficult and very independent.